Is in love...

Taken from physical journal entry.
Revised, edited, and updated for Internet purposes.

I've gone about coming to Australia, all wrong.
For the first time in my entire life, I am, without a doubt, 100% in love. I had always known I loved her, but, I never knew if it was absolute. Definite. The love of my life is up in Palm Cove, and I'm here in Nambour on the Sunshine Coast, staying at my friend Sarah's house, trying to figure out what to do next.
I first got to Australia, and stayed in Brisbane for a week. There, staying with Ailsa, she managed to take me on touristy outings, and help me see things I wouldn't have otherwise. I saw the Sunshine and Gold Coast, most of the city of Brisbane itself, Wellington Point, and Kondalilla Falls. I visited Sarah, here in Nambour for two days, and together we went to the Australia Zoo. Which was heaps fun. After returning to Brisbane to Ailsa's, I grew slightly weary of being in the city, naively, I thought that a city here might differ from any back home, but they're all pretty much the same. On top of that, Ailsa and I and her friends, didn't quite get along. I shared no interest in most anything with them, so I decided to jump somewhere else.
I had originally told Rikki, that had things not worked out in Brisbane, I wanted to come up to Cairns to be with her because I felt utterly alone, and she felt the same. Then an opportunity arose to go to Darwin in the Northern Territory and see Brendo and Hayley. Brendo and Hayley being no more than acquaintances from back in Banff, I was more interested in seeing the NT. I never heard about anyone going there, so I thought it would be neat to see. Upon telling Rikki this, she was devastated. I understand now how much of a slap in the face it must have been for me to tell her I was coming there and then flip flop and tell her I was going somewhere else. I stressed the fact that it was only to check out Darwin, to see it, and scope out the work, and that I wanted to come to Cairns after I visited it.
I got to Darwin and had a pretty good time there. Brendo, Hayley, and Jimbo were more than welcoming in their hospitality, and Brendo and I biked many days of my stay up and down the coast line. Beside the beautiful white sand and bluer than blue ocean. We drank wine, and ate cheese, ate delicious meals, talked, and laughed.
I had been talking to Rikki via texts and over the phone during my stay, and was at a loss as to what to do. I enjoyed it there in Darwin, I might have even got a job, but itchy feet and a sense of displacement remained. I missed Rikki, the more I was apart from her. We talked about many things over the phone, and I tried to figure out what would be best. I knew I wanted to see her, and I didn't know how to put together what we had been talking about over the phone. So I made a decision to go to Cairns, to find out in person, and be with her. I was in Darwin for a week. Every place I had been, and every person I had spent time around, had all been a distraction from how I really felt. I wanted to be with her. She was always on my mind.
I didn't tell her when I was coming because I wanted it to be a surprise. I don't know why, I had just thought that maybe it would be a fun thing to do, just show up and say, "Here I am!".
Upon arriving in Cairns and leaving the terminal, I saw the landscape, and knew Rikki was nearby. I felt happy, like everything was going to be alright. Things, soon turned ugly. I booked a hostel on the northern part of town, the Nomad's Serpent. I got a hold of Rikki and let her know I was in town, and that I wanted to see her. Shortly there after, my heart sunk into the back of my ribcage, beating against my spine. My emotions finally catching up to me, and me realizing my true feelings for her, I broke down.
Every second spent in Cairns was spent thinking about her. No other thought entered, crossed, or left my mind. Before coming to Australia , I had felt alright about going our separate ways for a time. Like a delayed reflex, my true feelings didn't make themselves shown until I was closest to her. I have never loved anyone, as much as I love her. We shared a bed together, for almost a year, back in Banff. She was there for me whenever I needed her, smiling and always happy to see me. I enjoyed the nights I would tell my friends I was busy, and stay inside with her.
While in Cairns we spent days in Palm Cove and in Cairns itself, walking up and down the beach, or seeing the yachts in the harbor, or just generally walking around. Mostly I was sad the time I was with her. I told her how I felt and that I wanted to be with her, there in Cairns, but it was too little, too late. After seeing how much she had grown and how strong she was, I realized that I couldn't hang around and dump my problems on her. I also was distracted by her every single absolute second, I thought of nothing else. So I vouched to leave.
I have never felt so selfish in my entire life. I let the love of my life, slip away, and for what? So that I could see a city and stay with a person I only considered half a friend? How could I have been such a fool!?
I was thinking with my head and not with my heart. Always, I told her to think realistically. Think about the conflict of interest, thinking only for myself. Not taking her, the woman, the first woman at that, I have ever, ever, truly loved, into consideration. I hope that some day soon I may get to hold her in my arms again, to kiss her lips, and breathe in her wonderful scent, and keep it in my lungs.
I should be embracing this current sense of lost direction, but I'm nervous, worried, terrified, and I feel alone. Rikki, as much as I want her, I know that I must let her grow.
I have learned from my mistakes. I'm not sure, but I guess I had to make them before I saw anything for what it was. I want her to explore and see and experience new things. Figure out what she truly wants and who she truly is. I am so proud of her. She is strong.
I can only hope that one day she may ask for me to be beside her, to see it together, like I should have done, so many months ago.
She is the blood in my veins,
the air in my lungs,
the sun on my face,
and the wind at my back.
She is the most beautiful person I know.
The spark that beats my heart,
is Rikki.